Good Soil

We’re just having a rough time. I asked her to do a simple narration and she gave me one sentence. So I gently asked her question to help her along and when she answered on wrong she just freaked out. So I called Brandon and said that perhaps we just need to sign her up for school for the rest of the year. So he said to look into it and do what it takes. And I did.

WOW! The hoops you have to jump through in order to sign them up! Now it may not seem like a lot to the average person, but to me? Well, they wanted things that I just don’t have … birth certificate (I don’t have hers and in all the moves we have experienced since she was born I have no idea even where her proof of birth from the hospital and SS card is!); immunization forms (again, don’t have them and she hasn’t had all the shots that she would need for school, so I would need to either get those – not - or get an religious exemption form); hearing, vision, dental visits in the past year (It’s been over a year on all of these); a lease or deed (we live in a house owned by my father-in-law, so we have no lease – would have to draw one up); The other things I had.

So as I am reading through this list and thinking of all the effort I would have to put in for this, I thought, “Do I really want to do this?” And then God spoke to me about this being a reaction …

A reaction is:

A response to a stimulus.
The state resulting from such a response.
A tendency to revert to a former state.
Opposition to progress.
A reverse or opposing action.
The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition

I realized that lately all I do is react to her. That seems to be all the interaction we have and that’s not good. Putting her in school would not solve these problems we are having. This is not about her, it is about me. I am not trusting the Lord, I am not being patient with her or with Him. I am not walking by the Spirit. I am not casting all my cares on Him.

James 1:2-4 says:

Consider it pure joy, my brethren, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

This is a trial and I am in the middle of it and I’m not doing so well. If I give up and stop right now, I’m afraid I’ll fail it. I have been letting this weaken me rather than making me stronger, which is my desire. I have been acting like a child, a spoiled brat because things are not going my way. I am truly sorry for that. I want to change, I just don’t see how …

I love her so much and want only the best thing for her, not for me. I don’t think it’s the best thing for her to be in PS. I just don’t. I can and will grow up with the Lord’s help. But I don’t want her to have to go to public school when I don’t really think it’s what’s best for her just because I am a brat.

And on top of that as I was talking to her about the possibility she asked, “Did God tell you to put me in public school?” Leave it to the children to hold you accountable …. that’s a fair question and the answer is not a resounding YES. In fact, I think it’s NO.

So, please pray for me that I will grow up, that I will persevere and be made mature and complete, lacking in nothing.

Thanks!!!

I posted a while back about my mission of motherhood (a term I am borrowing from one of my favorite books by Sally Clarkson The Mission of Motherhood). You can click on the link above if you’d like to read my previous post. Since that time … about a month ago … the Lord has taught me so much about myself and my high calling that it is amazing to me! Talk about an answer to prayer! May I share with you what I have learned?

It all started with that cry about a month ago to the Lord to help me change my ways … and then I “stumbled” (HA … God put it in my path!) upon Heartlfelt Discipline by Clay Clarkson. What an eye-opener that book has been! I loved it so much from reading a copy I found in our local library that I ordered one from eBay.

One HUGE thing that grabbed my attention was the author’s discussion of the parable of the sower in Luke 8.

To quote from the book …

This parable is not about good seed but about good soil. The emphasis is squarely on the condition and quality of the soil, an image used here to represent a person’s heart. In this parable the seed is always good because it’s the gospel message, but the soil of human hearts varies greatly … I realized that even as I scattered seeds in my child’s heart, I needed to pay more attention to soil preparation … My real work is not to grow character qualities but to prepare the soil of my child’s heart to be ready to receive the seed of God’s Word, the gospel. That’s when character growing begins – when the Spirit of God brings Christ’s life into my child’s heart.

How do we cultivate the soil of our children’s hearts?

• With the language of God’s truth
• With the behaviors of the Christian life
• With the reality of God

Some other things that the book talks about, that I agree with, are:

• We familiarize our children with the ways and words of God so that accepting the gospel will be a natural step forward
• We are readying their hearts, preparing fertile soil that deep roots can sink in
• The task is not to plant enough good seeds to crowd out the world’s weedy influences; it’s about faithfully preparing the soil of our children’s hearts
• I can grow a million seeds of character into my child’s heart, but unless her heart has been prepared, and until it is changed by Christ, those seeds will be wasted.

And my favorite:

I realized that I had been focusing on the seed I was planting and not really so much on the soil into which I was planting it. My parenting was not full of grace, I was not being “Jesus-with-skin-on” to my child, I was being a “better parent” than God … I have since realized that I need to relate to my children in the same way that the Lord relates to me.

Does He make me feel guilty? Does He express disappointment with me? Does He yell at me? Does He get angry with me? Does He exasperate me? Does He get irritated with me?

Or ….

Does He love me unconditionally and make sure in His Word that I am aware of that fact? Does He ALWAYS welcome me with open arms? Is He patient with me? Is He understanding with me? Is He slow to anger? Does He forgive me of my sin and remove my sins from me as far as the east is from the west? Does He comfort me? Does He discipline me lovingly and only when He sees that I really need it? Is He creative with me? Does He allow me to be free? Does He allow me to be who I am?

Oh, there’s so much to Gods’ grace and His character and His love that I have misunderstood for so many years … I am only recently coming to understand who He truly is. And in that growing understanding He is asking me to also be who He has called me to be … a representative of Him here in earth and it starts with my family.

Thanks for letting me share and I hope this all made at least a little bit of sense!

~Heather